Allen Roland
Photo by Jennifer Morella
Allen Roland


Most people are afraid of love because they are afraid of their deepest joy and inner freedom.

In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship ! Let me illustrate this using Stendal's and Roland's seven stages of a love relationship :

  1. ADMIRATION " I really admire you as a person "
  2. BEGINNING OF DESIRE " I think I'd like to get to know you better ."
  3. HOPE " I hope you feel the same way about me "
  4. INCEPTION OF LOVE " I think I'm falling in love with you "
  5. FIRST CRYSTALIZATION " I see the beauty and perfection within you "

    This is where Stendal ended his six stages of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional relationships end with mutual anger and resentment covering all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier childhood hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny our deepest feelings - because there was seemingly no-one there for us. We can either run , as most people do, or go through these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for these feelings and stop being a victim ! You cannot escape stage six until you go inside, take total accountability for your actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great courage but the payoff is immense ! Resentment doesn't heal ! Anger doesn't heal ! Only love truly heals !

  7. ROLAND'S SECOND CRYSTALIZATION " I feel the beauty and perfection within myself "

    This cannot be accomplished unless we realize our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness. IT IS A PLACE OF INNER VERSUS OUTER VALIDATION ! " Until I let go I cannot grow " , "Great love can both take hold and let go". To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love your partner. Conscious love ( non-possessive, non-dependent and unconditional love ) is rarely obtained between humans. The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the wish that the object should arrive at its own native perfection - regardless of the consequences to the lover. It is total unconditional love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness. The paradox of this atitude is that such love always invokes a similar atitude in its objects because we all seek , at the deepest level, to be unconditionally loved.

As an example, I recently let go of a great love because I was settling for less than all of her and she was allowing herself to do the same thing. I realized that part of her deeply loved me but another part of her was always separate, alone and wanted out of the relationship. Initially when I let go I was very hurt and resentful. But I quickly burned away my initial hurt and resentment by realizing what an incredible gift she had been in my life by allowing me to love her so deeply and profoundly. Rapidly I surrendered to a place where I could unconditionally love her from a place of great joy ! In other words, I consciously loved her realizing that she had to do what she had to do regardless of the consequences to our relationship. As I did this I firmly embraced the beauty and perfection within myself and burned away any anger, resentment , possessiveness and insecurities in the process.

I have never felt happier and more sure of who I am and the truth of these words by Teilhard de Chardin :

"The only right love is between couples whose passion leads them both , one through the other, to a higher possession of themselves ."

I could not have done this unless I let go of the relationship but not the love - I used the love to fully embrace a much higher possession of myself.



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