Most people are afraid of love because they are
afraid of their deepest joy and inner freedom.
In relationship, we must reach a place where being honest and being
true to yourself is more important than the survival of the relationship
! Let me illustrate this using Stendal's and Roland's seven stages
of a love relationship :
- ADMIRATION " I really admire you as a person "
- BEGINNING OF DESIRE " I think I'd like to get to know you better
- HOPE " I hope you feel the same way about me "
- INCEPTION OF LOVE " I think I'm falling in love with you "
- FIRST CRYSTALIZATION " I see the beauty and perfection within
- DOUBT AND/OR JEALOSY, ANGER AND RESENTMENT
This is where Stendal ended his six stages
of love for it is the stage where most, if not all, emotional
relationships end with mutual anger and resentment covering
all traces of the original love. What we do not realize in this
stage is that these feelings are often associated with earlier
childhood hurts we felt with loved ones and we are face to face
with the decisions we made at that time to repress and deny
our deepest feelings - because there was seemingly no-one there
for us. We can either run , as most people do, or go through
these fears by not denying the love, taking accountability for
these feelings and stop being a victim ! You cannot escape stage
six until you go inside, take total accountability for your
actions and feelings and stop denying love. This takes great
courage but the payoff is immense ! Resentment doesn't heal
! Anger doesn't heal ! Only love truly heals !
- ROLAND'S SECOND CRYSTALIZATION " I feel the beauty and perfection
within myself "
This cannot be accomplished unless we realize
our ultimate quest in life is to fully experience our authentic
self and our connection to our original state of soul consciousness.
IT IS A PLACE OF INNER VERSUS OUTER VALIDATION ! " Until I let
go I cannot grow " , "Great love can both take hold and let
go". To let go with love you must, in essence, consciously love
your partner. Conscious love ( non-possessive, non-dependent
and unconditional love ) is rarely obtained between humans.
The conscious love motive, in its most developed state, is the
wish that the object should arrive at its own native perfection
- regardless of the consequences to the lover. It is total unconditional
love and when we come from this place we are embracing our deepest
spiritual essence and a state of soul consciousness. The paradox
of this atitude is that such love always invokes a similar atitude
in its objects because we all seek , at the deepest level, to
be unconditionally loved.
As an example, I recently let go of a great love because I was
settling for less than all of her and she was allowing herself to
do the same thing. I realized that part of her deeply loved me but
another part of her was always separate, alone and wanted out of
the relationship. Initially when I let go I was very hurt and resentful.
But I quickly burned away my initial hurt and resentment by realizing
what an incredible gift she had been in my life by allowing me to
love her so deeply and profoundly. Rapidly I surrendered to a place
where I could unconditionally love her from a place of great joy
! In other words, I consciously loved her realizing that she had
to do what she had to do regardless of the consequences to our relationship.
As I did this I firmly embraced the beauty and perfection within
myself and burned away any anger, resentment , possessiveness and
insecurities in the process.
I have never felt happier and more sure of who I am and the truth
of these words by Teilhard de Chardin :
"The only right love is between couples
whose passion leads them both , one through the other, to a higher
possession of themselves ."
I could not have done this unless I let go of the relationship
but not the love - I used the love to fully embrace a much higher
possession of myself.
ONLY LOVE HEALS