Allen Roland
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Allen Roland

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"The only right love is that between couples whose passion leads them both, one through the other, to a higher possession of their being .... Union, the true upward union in the spirit, ends by establishing the elements it dominates in their own perfection ."
- Teilhard de Chardin

Relationships must be seen as a means to an end versus an end in itself, with the end being the full flowering of each partner's unique self! Relationship is a proving ground for who you really are because unresolved issues with parental figures will always come to the surface during the relationship. These unresolved issues reflect who you are at that moment. Issues of betrayal, rejection or abandonment tend to be re-enacted, because emotionally that is where we are still stuck.

In relationship we are always challenged to become who we really are - for it was because of childhood relationships that we originally separated from our true self and created a cocoon of ego consciousness.

Remember, the ego is always externalizing the inner quest . It is always looking outside for an answer that can only be found within. The astounding divorce rate in the United States becomes quite understandable when we begin to realize that our primary quest is not for an answer outside ourselves, but rather to re-unite with our authentic self which is often trapped within a self-imposed prison of childhood fears.

I see this same scenario in virtually all of my clients, and there can be no question as to what they - and all of us - are looking for. In our intimate relationships, we are looking for permission to truly BE OURSELVES.

The key question we must continually ask ourselves in relationship is , " Am I truly being myself or am I compromising myself and my values for the sake of the relationship ? "

To be able to be oneself and not have to disown one's values to please another - that's what intimate love is all about. - Milton Avery

In other words, intimacy ( into-me-see ) is based on the honest and full expression of our deepest feelings, regardless of the risks . And, interestingly enough, giving full expression of our deepest feelings is the only way we can truly love ourselves . . and truly be ourselves.

LETTING GO

Great love can both take hold and let go and quite often - until you let go you cannot grow. This does not necessarily mean letting go of the love, but it does mean letting go of the fears, dependency and self-doubt that keep us from fully experiencing ourselves and accepting love. Our self-respect is a wonderful guide for showing us just when to let go. This step never happens at the same time for both partners . One partner will always let go first and thereby risk the relationship. As such, this letting go process can happen within the relationship and with the same degree of pain and aloneness as an actual separation. It was Jerry Jampolsky who wrote , "Love is making friends with fear because fear is the constant companion of intimacy ." Let me make one important point from my own personal experience of love, intimacy and fear within relationship. Fear will completely override love, as psychic pain can override joy, if we allow ourselves to be controlled by fear. Instead, we must completely open our heart in relationship for, in so doing, we will be fully embracing ourselves. By refusing to be controlled by fear and not denying love - I have found all my fears to be merely speed bumps on my path to individual wholeness , freedom and joy. By fully opening my heart I have literally embraced myself!

This is why relationship is the proving ground for who we really are, for we must eventually be able to say that affirming ourselves and being honest is more important than the survival of a relationship with someone else! It is only then that we are truly giving each other the ultimate gift - the gift of ourselves.

True relationship is thus a dance of intimacy (an honest sharing of our thoughts and feelings) in which both partners support and unconditionally love one another - leading eventually to inner joy and inner validation and the courage and freedom to fully express and sing one's own true song, regardless of the risks !

Only then can we truly become an instrument in a divine loving plan of soul consciousness - THE UNIFIED FIELD.

When you realize that God is , in reality , A LOVING PLAN IN ACTION - you will know the true meaning of love. The intent of love is ALWAYS for each one of us to become an instrument in that loving plan. Relationship is the vehicle! As such, by fully surrendering to love in relationship we ultimately will embrace ourselves and our part in that loving plan.

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Allen Roland, Ph.D
PO Box 4094
Antioch, California 94531, USA
Phone 707-935-1908
E-mail: allen@allenroland.com
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